This was written with a lot of emotion going through me and should NOT be read into…it was me being transparent and very raw. I’m not angry at anyone. Life changes, it is fluid and we have to roll with it. It doesn’t mean it is easy but hopefully those who are struggling will find hope or solace in the fact that it is okay to sometimes get upset and even vent to God. He created us and knows we are not perfect and He is our FATHER and it isn’t until we come to Him in the lowest points that He can really start helping us. I had to reach that place before He could open my eyes and I’m still hearing from Him in all of this, so there may be more to come. I will be back to gratitude journaling in a few days.
Sometimes life can really suck. Change is hard and while sometimes exciting it still isn’t always fun.
Such was life 7 months ago when I purged so many things, I had some emotional attachment too, and moved out to the “country” with my daughter and her family. The change was pretty darn unnerving to be honest because relocating brought a host of sub-changes. Longer drive to work, new noises, less “me” space, having to consider how even the most routine things like music volume might impact others in the household, scheduling laundry around other persons loads, eating what someone else was cooking for dinner, figuring out where I fit into the bigger picture…and so on. But I quickly came to love it here with the peels of laughter and squeals of delight from my grandkids around me. It also involved pain at the loss of a grandchild when my daughter miscarried early in her pregnancy, then joy again when blessed with a rainbow baby due in spring next year. Chatting over coffee and helping with the kids, “good morning Nana!!!” all became my new normal and one full of memories I will always treasure. But this chapter was a short one and soon I’ll be moving. Again.
This house is amazing with the location providing a feeling of peace and tranquility not unlike being on retreat. But it is not an inexpensive place to rent and the time has come, much sooner than I anticipated, for us all to move on and the owner to sell it. In fact it is listed on the market already and our leases are up at midnight 12/31. I thought we’d be here another year, and then eventually all be together in a different home, that this was supposed to be a LONG term arrangement, so when I learned we are in a bit of a time crunch I had to work hard not to panic. Pulling down as much over time as I can get I’ve almost saved up enough for the security deposit on a new place. One I will move into without the household of folks I’ve only recently become comfy sharing space. They are going into a far smaller house that doesn’t include a Nana suite. Budgets rule in this situation and that shrinks the home options. My son-in-law has to do what is best for his family, and my daughter wishes to recapture her ‘normal’ that was prior to their lives turning on end resulting in this current home. It has been a crazy year for all of us and we are all 3 dealing with the current and coming changes in our own ways.
Like people, “home” can be for a reason, season or lifetime. This one was 90% reason and 10% season. The season and reason have changed.
I got to thinking about my normal. I don’t even know what that looks like anymore. What my normal was for 22 years ended in divorce and in a matter of months from being told he wanted out I found myself in a new home living with my mom, sister and 2 nieces. Normal became redefined and it took a long time to adjust too. I also changed jobs 4 times in 8 years while there, and mom’s health declined over those 8 years. The older niece moved out, then the younger who later returned. Normal was never longer than a few months. Then mom was nearing the end of her life and we decided to sell the house and move to 2 apartments in the same building. Normal became chaos as first one, then 2 and then the final 2 of us divas made the move to the new places and the next day mom died. I lived in my apartment 1 day with mom, then 11 months alone before moving in with my daughter for what I thought was to be a lifetime. I had disposed of so many things because merging 2 households meant a lot of things I needed to maintain a solo one wouldn’t be needed.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been a mess. Trying to find an apartment to allow me to keep my cat. I know if you don’t like cats you don’t understand, but my cat is very important to me and yes I do love her. I got her as a 4 week old orphan, a little rescue baby, and I’ve had her 9 years now. I’m the only mama she has ever known and while yes she annoys me at times I adore her sweet self. I cannot face giving up my cat, it is hard enough giving up this living arrangement and going back to a life of coming and going with just my own company. Despite my son’s “oh no you will not” I’ve been considering an apartment, the only one in my budget that will allow my fur baby, in a really sketchy neighborhood. She is really the only constant in my life for the past 9 years.
My sister has decided she doesn’t want to live ‘lonely’ alone and offered me her second bedroom. I don’t have much of a choice at this point so I said yes. Not that I don’t like the idea of living with her, we have done life before under one roof we know we can do it. It is the idea of I won’t have my own space. It is all her stuff. My furniture other than my bedroom items, will go into storage (I’m not making that mistake again of giving up my things thinking they won’t be needed). I’m sure in time we will make it more ‘us’, but for now I will be living in her home. Honestly, I’m even excited about this because I will again have someone at home to bounce things off of who isn’t grossed out (she was the ED and DON in several nursing homes and is a RN) by the stories of work. And she is a great cheer leader of those she loves.
I hate all this with a passion. This will be my 4th location and 3rd move in under 2 years. I haven’t known normal for quite a few years now, the last 2 being the worst. One day recently I finally lost my sh*t in an emotional breakdown.
Driving to work early in the morning on less than 4.5 hours of sleep (I haven’t slept well since finding out I have to find a place to live), and working way too many extra shifts to earn the over time needed to get the money to move, I fell apart. My morning devotions and prayer had to happen in the car while driving in because I simply could not pull myself out of bed for my usual 30 minute war room time.
It was a lot of raw emotion and tears.
What about MY normal? What about the fact that I had an apartment, a home, that I gave up along with so much stuff because this was supposed to be long term? Where is my peace, my normal, my home???? I’m tired of ‘fixing’ everyone else. I was married 22 years, God, and because I worked and carried the insurance he got to be fixed…countless surgeries, HIS teeth, and then it was see ya and I was the one who had to find a place to live. Second damn time I was married, fixed their teeth, health issues on my insurance from MY job and even second time giving up MY house. Then I moved on to helping my mom for 8 years. And NO I didn’t mind that she needed help and I’d do that all over again without skipping a beat, but again it was fixing someone else’s situation and life ahead of my own. It was no wonder once we moved and she died I needed grief counseling. I learned in those sessions that my life was really packed in with a LOT of heavily emotionally trying experiences and mom was just the straw that broke that camel’s back. My grief went way deeper and still does, than just losing her. I will always have those suitcases of grief in the baggage of my life. And then I gave up my little slice of MINE, while still forming it all into normal for me, and moved here. My financial contributions to this household that I so very much love, on my meager wages, is a big deal. It helped in fixing things for my daughter and her family, and again I would do it all over again just for the precious memories I have. I have LOVED LOVED LOVED being here as a part of this family and household!!! BUT now, in under 9 months it is all being yanked out from under me again and ABBA I AM JUST FREAKING THE HECK OUT HERE AND CAN’T HANDLE IT AND IT ISN’T FREAKING FAIR!!! WHAT ABOUT MY NORMAL???? WHAT ABOUT MY HAPPILY EVER AFTER? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO KEEP GIVING EVERYTHING OF MINE UP???? WHEN DO I GET MY SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW???? The tears came and hard, I had hit the wall. God I’m really struggling here not to be angry and resentful this time toward all involved for inviting me in and then telling me I’ll have to get out. No, it wasn’t done unlovingly or anything but it feels like being kicked to the curb all over again, “used” for my resources that left on the side of the road. I’m pissed, hurt, confused, stressed, exhausted and frankly tired of feeling homeless and lost to drift on the sea of life. I don’t want to put my life in a storage facility. I don’t want to do any of this!!!!! It isn’t fair that my cat has to be put through the trauma of being put in a carrier for a few hours every time the house is shown because OMG SOMEONE MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY A HOUSE WHERE A CAT LIVES. My first thought is F*CK THEM THIS IS MY HOME AND HER HOME THEY DON’T LIVE HERE DAMNIT. But I also love the woman who is my landlord and I know that she needs to sell this house. That and if the cat did remain out she’d bolt out that door the minute some potential buyer opened it to check out the patio under the deck. COME ON GOD CUT ME A BREAK HERE!!!!!
That is just the surface, it was a 30 minute car ride of prayer and tears and pouring my heart out to my Abba. And He talked back after my tantrum, through the words of a few songs that touched deep. Through thoughts I know were not my own. And gentle reminders through things that floated through my heart as I prayed.
God reminded me that my mom was much like me. Her normal involved being married, raising kids, taking in stray people (we didn’t do pets we did stray people), moving after her divorce from dad 3 times, often taking in a stray child of hers that needed refuge and finally the Diva Den with her stray daughters (me and sis and sis’s kids). Her normal was 2 different cancers, breast cancer she beat, appendix cancer that took her from us after countless battles. My one brother says I am most like mom of all of us, the other says I’m the closest thing he has to mom now. Guess my normal is pretty much a fluid and ever changing thing like her normal was through her life, and I need to stand up and accept the changes with the same grace she did.
I know that things will be okay. Eventually I will sleep normal 8-10 hours nights again instead of 4 or 5 hours broken up between fear, stress, sadness, tears and exhaustion. For now I just have to ride the waves until I find myself on the next beach. Maybe, just maybe, one I get to stay on.
The song, Burn The Ships has become my mantra of sorts.