I’m Not Okay…

Mom is doing good, for now. All things point to her recovering from this really crap bad round of chemo that nearly took her from us.  But she is a fighter and my sister has a good instinct so despite the infection etc, mom is doing good.

But will she ever have the same strength she did prior?  Like she had a 6 weeks ago? That is a great question.  My guess is…maybe?  It took 2 full weeks for it all to knock her square on her butt, so maybe 6 weeks to recover?  And hey, it IS terminal cancer so we know it won’t ever be perfect again.  In the beginning of May the doc said she had one year, best case.  That means between it and worst case, she may fall in between some where.

She has more folks praying for her than one could imagine.  But the fact is we are in her last months, weeks and days.  Right now, months. We’ll face the weeks and days later.  I am not in denial, I accept it is coming, I just don’t want to cross that bridge until we arrive there.

My co-workers all know my mom, have worked with her as she visited our facility as a hospice case worker and nurse for like 15 or 18 years now.  They are all as devastated as the family, feeling like she IS their family.  I cannot explain how much this helps me, as they know I am wrestling with her mortality and my emotions and they are there with me in this and I love them all.

I go to work and care for my residents with the utmost love and concern.  I pray on the route in, every day, for God to give me His eyes, ears, hands, heart and love for them.  And what no one sees is what I carry in my heart, the knowledge that all too soon my mom will be one of those I care for, at home rather than in our facility.  Like them, I will watch her decline then slip from this world.  And it will crush me.

cropped-589343-1600x1200-angel-on-her-knees_zpsfc5c9b9dNo…I am NOT okay with this.  I never imagined being here.  Yes, God blessed me when I prayed to get out of the horrible, sinful lifestyle of swinging that my ex didn’t want to leave.  I had no clue He would pull me out of my marriage to a man I adored, cherished and loved beyond words.  That I’d never be able to love another man on that depth.  I had no way to know that when I was released from that sin, that I would be given the blessing in return to spend my mom’s final years in her company, under her roof, laughing, loving and living life side by side with her.  It is a gift only God could give and that I cherish, making 6+ years of memories I would not otherwise have had.  What someone else meant for evil, God has turned into much much MUCH good.  But make no mistake, while I am brave, strong, and trust God knows what He is doing…I am far from okay.  Inside I’m dying emotionally.  I am not ready to say good-bye, not ready to wrestle with decisions that will no longer have her input.  It is far from being okay, if freaking sucks.  But I know my Father in Heaven is beyond all comprehension and power, and will guide me along.  My coworkers who love her will wrap around me, as will my family and friends.  And while it will never be OKAY, I will prevail.  I am NOT a survivor, I am a fighter.  I am not passive, I fight my demons, emotions, trials etc, and I win.  Wounded and worn, I am going to make it.  Okay? No, I am not okay…but I will be…one day.


  1. I’m so sad for you about your mom, but then, so happy that you get to be here with you, and wow that God in His wisdom worked his hand in that. But I cannot imagine. I would want to stamp my foot and flat out say “no God, you can’t have my mommy!!” Even as I too know He will be there every step of the way with both of us. Still, I don’t think I’d ever be “okay” again. I think that’s allowed when it’s your mom. 🙂

  2. It took me a long time to get over my Dad. No one told me once the upped the meds that there would be no more conversations. I never got to ask him if I had done ok in life and in his eyes.
    But he is no longer in pain, I do miss him still

    • Noted…I will have to have that conversation now, while she has her mind and is doing well.

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