Creatively I’m just blank, flat lined, nada. Not sure what is up other than I think I’m still just exhausted from work. Pulling 6 days in one week, 12.5 hour shifts, and a week later I’m almost recovered. Mind you I’ve since worked 3 more such shifts but at least it was only what I was assigned, my normal hours. No OT this week, just wasn’t up to it.
Baby watch has started officially, as my daughter is crampy, lost her plug and is about 3cm dilated. Doc says any time is good and could happen. Well doc you are wrong, the next 2 days this Nana works and so grand baby #5 must wait until Wednesday, and at that point has 3 days he can arrive, before Nana works the weekend. Hopefully the baby got the memo.
My Henrietta is not running today. I fear a fuel pump issue and hope that is covered under warranty. Not sure and thankfully have enough cars in this house to still have a way to get to work and back. But I hate not having my baby, and had to have my son pick me up for church. Thankfully we all go to the same place!
The message this morning was a great one on marriage, the covenant that it is, and something the pastor said really impacted me. He talked about how two becoming one flesh is not just at the physical level, but it is deeply spiritual as well. This is why, he said, many still feel a pull toward their ex. I get that. It is why it is so devastating and why I think I’ve never quite gotten over it. My soul is still and forever linked to my ex-husband and in God’s eyes we are still one despite the courts ‘ending’ it. In God’s realm it isn’t over. I also think this is why I don’t ever feel ‘right’ in any relationship at a deep level, my faith gets in the way of that. My faith was very much a part of me even when the hubster and I had fallen far from the path, and deep down those vows were to God more than my ex. Now, when I try to love another man and be his, it doesn’t work well for me because on a spiritual level it isn’t right in my mind. I think it is likely I will never marry again because I had come into a relationship with Christ after my first marriage and know in the core of my soul that divorce is wrong wrong wrong in God’s eyes. It cannot now ever be changed as the ex remarried. And me? Well I just don’t know that I can ever honestly make that covenant again with another man, it simply wouldn’t be right. I’m rather thankful that one isn’t on my head as God takes the breaking of covenants very seriously. I recommend this message once Crossroads.net puts it up, for anyone married, thinking of marriage, or contemplating divorce. It was rather freeing though for me, to realize that may be the very reason I simply cannot find it in me to be joined to someone else. I try, and my heart wants what it wants, but the heart is deceptive and it just never quite fits. I’ve been the one to end 4 serious relationships since getting divorced, which tells me a lot. I’ve not given up that God may bring one to me, but I’m not going looking anymore. He has given me a lot to do for now, and a relationship wouldn’t bode well with all of that.
My job is one area I know that He has planted me for a purpose. I never would have guessed that changing dirty diapers and feeding older adults could be such, but it is a ministry and I love it. Some days I do wonder if God realizes that I am 52 years old and this is really a difficult job physically for an old chick like myself, but it is getting a bit easier. I’ve lost 11 pounds over the past 6 weeks so I can see where it is physically a good thing for me. It is also emotional. I have one of my own residents on hospice now, which is hard for me. I love this resident, and it breaks my heart to see said soul giving up. It is also hard to look at my 9 people and realize that some are in their 90s and this time next year 3 or 4 of them may not be here anymore. It is possible to do the job and not get attached but not sure how those aides do it. I am very attached to them and cannot imagine them not there to care for each week.
As my body and mind are adjusting I’m getting closer to a balance of life in the nursing home and outside. My Avon business needs a serious shot in the butt, however I just didn’t have the energy. It has had to be one or the other, and since one is bringing in a bit more money and has medical benefits, that got priority. I hate it. This week is mapped out to get Avon back on track.
That goes for writing my blog posts too, which is why it has been over 2 weeks since the Marvelous one posted. Not that I haven’t started any number of them, but just couldn’t finish before I decided to go to sleep. I’m working on that as well, as writing is therapy for me. I don’t need to tell you that my novels are on hold and will be for a bit. I do have a new twist to add though so stay tuned they will be out eventually.
Farmville 2 has kept me sane, though I admit to thinking “crap forgot to harvest the green beans” when headed to a resident room after morning report. Sad I know, but it is mindless and helps me unwind after a long day. I also have my blog about my job, The CNA Life, but haven’t written much there yet. 🙂 I will!
Okay off to grab a glass of wine and relax, maybe work on my planner decorating a bit, then it will be time to board the Dreamland Express and get some sleep. Praying for this week to smooth out and all things I’ve left in God’s hands to be handled…well that I won’t try to pull them back and just let Him answer those prayers.