Yes, today is the Marvelous one’s birthday. In case like me, you struggle with math, the 20th anniversary of my 29th birthday…makes me 49 years old today. Perhaps I’m not wired correctly, but this one is bugging me way more than the thought of turning 50 next year on this day. I don’t know why but the knowledge that this is the last of the 40’s bothers me, intensely.
If my calculations are correct, Fred would be 97 today. Fred is my grandpa, the single greatest man to ever walk this planet in my lifetime, and that is my most unhumble opinion of the man. He was the most generous, kind, positive, wise, beautiful person ever. I was his first grandchild, born on his birthday. I miss him SO much sometimes that I will still tear up. I can still remember his voice and hear it in my head as clear as if it were yesterday. We always talked on our birthday, and my first dozen roses came from him, on my first birthday. He taught me what I now refer to as the Thumper Rule (from Bambi), “If you don’t have something nice to say, it isn’t necessary to say anything at all.” Thumper the rabbit says something similar in the movie Bambi, it is awesome advice. Fred lived it, I never heard him say anything that was unkind about anyone regardless of who they were, he always tried to find the good or remained silent. I sought his advice a few times in my life, and now I would give so much to be able to still ask “what would Fred do” to him. Instead, when life overwhelms me, I sometimes go find him in the cemetery and lay next to his head stone and talk to him. I don’t know if beyond this world he can hear me, but I feel better. I just so often wish I could hear him. He always called me by my first and middle name, and is the only person I will ever allow to do that. It’s how I honor his memory.
I was reflecting on the past year last night as I drifted to sleep, thinking about where I have been, and where I am headed. I think it is a good time to do this, and a good idea just to be sure I have myself grounded and have a direction to go. Here are some of those things that I pondered in the night:
I got my heart broken a few times…first by Mr. Wonderful (would have been nice to know before I fell for him that he was married), then the Superhero (though not at all his fault, timing was just all wrong), and skirted a lifetime of hell with the Count (I dodged a serious bullet on that one, major self centered control freak – I was totally settling when it came to that one). I vowed to spend this year single, no dating just enjoying life as a single chick.
Fate and destiny had other plans, and they brought the Biker across my path for the 4th time in as many years. This time he didn’t mess around with the “come to work for me” angle. Instead, he came over the wall of the garden that is my heart and tore down the walls with a sledge hammer. Thanks to the Count for being a complete asshole, I would have missed the opportunity to be cherished, adored and loved. 🙂
I lost 3 of the kids I enjoyed watching, but gained 2 more part timers. I half heartedly worked my Avon business, making it to President’s Recognition Club, but not making the kind of money I wanted. I have since started working on a business plan, so that when school is out I will be done babysitting and can devote myself to working my business with the intent of making it my living and livelihood. And I’m working on the future husband’s business, as his office/business manager for both that he is working now. Yes that means no more babysitting for the Marvelous one, I will be entirely too busy. I also want the freedom to drop everything when he comes in and says “pack the saddle bags, Beautiful, it’s time for some throttle therapy.”
The most important thing that I learned over the past year was to be true to myself. No more allowing anyone to tell me who or what I can be, what I can and cannot do, no more caging the Marvelous one and clipping her wings. I will never again exchange parts of me to please someone else. I’m way too strong a personality, and way too much woman for most men to handle. And I’m okay with that. I knew I’d find a man strong enough in character and personality to pair with, and I have in the Biker.
I know that none of this is news to many of you, just wanted to get my thoughts down. 🙂
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRED!!!