Thank God It’s Finally Friday!!!!
It has been a LONG week. To bed late (because even at nearly 49yo I am not a responsible adult), up early, and now walking 2 miles every evening or first thing in the morning. The alarm went off this morning and I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off at first. I’m SO glad I can go to be early tonight. I won’t but I’m glad that I can! I can sleep in tomorrow too, then the day is filled with pictures then the wedding of my son. I am SO excited. But first I need coffee. LOTS of coffee. I’m ready to sleep today whenever the baby naps.
I keep seeing something on various Facebook status updates that just bugs the crap out of me. “My man completes me” or “my children complete me”. EXCUSE ME, WTF? NO one completes us, ladies! We are complete all on our own. No man or child makes you more complete. If that is the case everyone out there minus a significant other and children is going through life an incomplete person. I’m calling bulls**t! Before you freak out let me explain.
Marvelous Marti was a complete person the day she was born. Throughout my life everyone, and every experience that has crossed my path and touched my life has in some way tweaked who I am, fine tuned me. They have brought out either my best or my worst, but in no way are any one of them the missing piece of me. I’m whole all on my own.
People and experiences can expose the cracks in our souls, or even cause those cracks. Depending on the degree of influence we allow them to have in our lives will depend on how much of our not so pretty sides gets seen, or how large the cracks they leave. Sometimes they leave a gaping hole there, but it is nothing that cannot be repaired. Or they can expose the beautiful parts of us and make those parts shine through. Good or bad, they help us to grow, but they do not in anyway complete the package. They compliment or clash against us.
When we grow through the people and events in our lives, the growth is from inside, parts of us we may not have known we even possessed. Deep inside is exactly what we need, when we need it, it is a matter of tapping into it. A good example is when my ex-husband nearly died several times during our marriage after major surgeries. Those times are when I discovered that inner strength was always there, I had just never needed it on that level before then. Yes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but only in the sense that like muscles being worked out gain strength, our inner courage and strength grow under hardship. The muscles were there, we just build them up when we workout. The strength we need is there, but until it needs to be flexed, we are unaware of it.
Last night, while at my son’s wedding rehearsal and dinner, I had a chance to sit back and really observe the man I was married to for 22 years, with eyes of indifference now that I’ve moved past the trauma of the end of that relationship, and with so much more knowledge of life and myself. When my ex wanted a divorce it shattered my world, my heart, and left a hole the size of Texas. But I was not suddenly ‘incomplete’ without him. I thought he was my soul mate, the love of my life. I realize now that there are many ‘soul mates’ out there, and sometimes we encounter people that their soul literally touches ours. They look into our eyes and SEE into our heart and soul. Theirs are open to us in those moments as well. Those are soul mates. My heart and soul were open to my ex, but he chose to never really look inside to find the treasure of who I am, to share in the marvelous riches of this woman. And he kept me locked out of his. I’d see glimpses now and then but he never allowed himself to be vulnerable and let me in. His inner child is shattered, tortured and needs healing, IMHO. I was not to be the one to fill those cracks with love, was never permitted to run my fingers through his soul and really FEEL who he was, and he certainly never made an effort to touch mine no matter how open it was for him.
After the divorce I felt that mutual soul ‘connection’ for the first time, and allowed someone to hold and examine my heart and soul, to understand me. While it didn’t last, it was a beautiful thing to have someone touch that part of me, to love me despite every imperfection, to feel that my imperfections and flaws are a priceless piece of me. I will never again commit my life to someone that doesn’t want to run their fingers through my soul and know me, and that will not allow me to do the same with them.
My own inner child has known great pain and shattered dreams, to the point that it even hurt to breathe. But in order to heal I’ve had to let her out to play, allow her run through the meadows now and then, chase butterflies and when needed, allowed love to creep in and fill the cracks. Those who have been granted my vulnerability so that they could really know me have helped that healing by covering me in love. Loving and being loved helps the healing process. It doesn’t make us who we are, it helps us, like an antibiotic for the infection that is causing our pain, we use it to fight the contagion of broken dreams. Scars are left behind where the cracks and holes once were, some are tender, but the wounds themselves are gone.
I will love deeply again, someone who can hold me when I’m most unlovable, and when I least deserve it. A soul mate who accepts my countless faults and can love those parts of me as much as they love the rest of who I am. They will compliment me, but no one can ever complete me except for me.