Last night I put my sorry butt in bed at 9:30, loaded for bear on Mucinex DM and 2 beers. Might as well make those strange, drug induced dreams more fun, right? In addition to this cold that has come back. Again. For. The. Fourth. Time. I am also in the midst of menopausal like crap of keeping vampire hours, hot flashes and night sweats. Picture this: me, in a long sleeved white t-shirt, red fleece jammie bottoms, lime green sport bra, no makeup because I use a skin care regimen and wash my face nightly, nose running off my face, lip balm on the end of my nose to aid in easing raw spots from blowing my snot filled nasal passages clear, sweating from the INSIDE out now and then and I know, I’m one sexy, hot mess right now! The final touch of this “I’m sexy and I know it” visual, a nasal strip to help open those nostrils up to function as they are meant too…for BREATHING! No hating ladies, I know you are jealous of this seductive, sassy look, and men are holding themselves back. What can I say, when ya got it, flaunt it baby! (Admit it, all you boys are dying to curl up next to this hot mama)
I usually turn on my electric blanket before bed to warm up the sheets. Last night I was actually cold when I went to bed so I did just that, but on low so as to only keep the chill out. I left the comforter over the blanket, hopefully not some fire hazard as I think I have enough excitement in my life to dodge without adding to it my big, lumpy, lily white ass hanging over a firefighters shoulder, being carried down a ladder from my bedroom window, those sexy jammie pants half burned off of me. I turned on the Sound Scapes channel on Music Choice on my television. This provides a bit of ambient light to the room, and some soft, yet sometimes strange, music to lull me to sleep. My cat seems to come under the spell of the music, as she is curled up, head upside-down on the end of the bed. She kinda looked like road kill, contorted position, eyes partially open and all. That probably should have served as a warning but under this spicy, auburn do there are natural blond roots.
I slipped into the hug of my sheets, blanket and comforter, turned off the light and wrapped around my teddy bear. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep I started coughing, my throat irritated from the crap running out of my head. SIGH…damn water bottle is empty. I crawl back out, head to the kitchen and fill my water bottle back up then go back and repeat the entry mode to the bed. Thankfully teddy bears never complain, they are the perfect man to sleep with, girls. No rude pokes in the back when you snore, no comments about your morning breath because they cannot smell it. And they never wake up wanting a little ‘some some’ when you look like the Swamp Thing and have the muck mouth to confirm your origins. Mine tells me I look gorgeous no matter what I might resemble.
Any strange dreams I had during the night were not noted so I don’t remember them other than knowing they were odd. I was not about to take time to jot a note in my phone memo pad and risk waking up just enough to not go back to sleep. I drifted back out to la-la land to the chanting in a piece playing on the music channel that I vaguely recall thinking it sounded something like a witch doctor summoning demonic apparitions in the jungle but that is as much as I retained. And that very well could have been my cat stretching, yawning a meow and repositioning on the bed, hard to be certain.
I thought for sure I would get a great night of rest, but my vampire hours returned at 3:03am.
Vampires wake slowly from their slumber, trust me I know this as I am, it would seem, of that species. I’m a hybrid, however, I don’t have fangs and I don’t need blood to survive, but I do have the up all night and way pale complexion of the dead features. If you’ve ever read a truly good book about them (try Christine Feehan’s Dark Series) you know that vampires sleep the sleep of the dead. Ask my ex-husband, he’ll tell you I sleep like a corpse. You can stick your foot in my back and shove me out of the bed to the floor and I will go right on snoring. Just like a Carpathian gone to ground, no heart beating, lifeless and all. It’s a special super power of mine.
Shortly after 3am, just like life beginning to flow through the body of the fanged ones, from deep within my body it started, heat like the life force of blood, from my core it oozed outward toward the surface. I woke very slowly, as those that sleep like the dead do, vaguely aware of the chanting again in another song (I really need to switch stations, those voices and the chimes gotta go). Before I even opened my eyes I became aware of the cause of my arousal from my nightmares in Dawn of The Living Dead Land, night sweats. Beads of moisture were starting to form around the backs of my knees, neck, in the bend of my elbows and along my hair line. And like the blood suckers looking for a dark cave at sunrise, I sought after the cold spots in my bed where my now over heated body had not been laying. I flipped over the pillows going for the cool, other side against my face. Beads of sweat started running between my boobs, (there is that sexy stuff again, damn I’m something) and down the small of my back. I pushed the covers all off, laying there in the t-shirt and bra, hair growing damp and cursing under my breath at the cat who meowed protest at the covers landing on her.
It was about this time I became aware of the Nose Moth.
You will recall that I went to bed wearing a nasal strip to assist my ability to breathe. Under normal circumstances, trying to remove one of these contraptions will result in the first layer of skin going with it. However it would seem that cement they call adhesive is no match for the perspiration from night sweats. Little by little I could feel the strip releasing itself from the sides of my nose, almost in an identical pattern on either side. It kinda tickled which made me wiggle my nose a bit, only helping to free the ends. Suddenly it ‘popped’ and the little strips, like delicate wings carried it upward, with a majestic arc into the air it flew, on it’s first and last flight, the nose moth. OH the beauty of what happens in the dark of night. Okay so it more or less plopped off my nose and onto the black pillow case next to my face, but it sounds so much better the other way, don’t you think? After that it did in fact fly, because I flicked it off the pillow and onto the vanity, causing the cat to get up and go investigate to see what had just landed there and if it was edible.
I gave up sleeping at that point, wandered to the bathroom and back, then checked Facebook, Twitter and a few other social media addictions before I settled in to watch the clock tick off the next few hours, with damp, matted hair, damp t-shirt and bra, and now clogged nasal passages.
I’m sexy and I know it! jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle yeah! (FYI fat doesn’t wiggle, it jiggles)