One of my goals for 2012 is to get to church every week. So far it is one big FAIL. I really want to go, and go back to my home church. It is where I felt at home before I went cruising down a road on which I did not belong. It was where the prodigal daughter that I am, went back too. But I cannot bring myself to go again. I do not WANT to go else where, I really loved my church and church family. It’s just harder than I thought.
I know that others judging me is not a valid reason to stay away, but if you had been walking beside me the 6 years I was away from the right path, maybe you would understand. Better yet if you had walked that mile in MY shoes, you’d maybe have a clue and not be so quick to judge. It always amazes me how easy it is for others to pass judgement on someone else when they aren’t in that situation, and they have few details.
In life I am one of those that is very much a “oh yeah? watch me!” type when someone tells me I cannot or should not do something. And I am a woman that if I’m going to do something, REALLY do something, right or wrong, I will give it all I have, I don’t do it half assed. Especially when it comes to making mistakes. Bad choices, bad ideas, big mistakes, out right sinful behavior. If I am going to do something I see no reason not to DO something.
The road I went down had a lot of turn offs, rest areas and ‘entertainment’ spots. I hit everyone of those with gusto. That road is a dark one, through the sinful pit. I’ve done things I’d never admit on this blog, and in a counseling situation I’d have a hard time coming clean. It is stuff, suffice to say, that would curl your hair. I didn’t like where I was, and it made me an unhappy and very angry person. You’re a sinner too? Yes I know. One of those that cast a stone my way was pregnant in high school and got married. I was pregnant in high school and gave the baby up for adoption. Let a few curse words fly? Big deal, me too, I can make a trucker blush in 8 vibrant shades of red. Believe me, the sins I’ve committed would make your halo look damn shiny next to mine. Believe me, I look at the story of the prodigal son in scripture and think “really? dude I can top that..all of it” and I wonder, would there be rejoicing if I came clean to those standing in judgement, now that I turned away from all of it? Party hard and kill the fatted calf because the prodigal daughter has returned? You’d be too busy picking your jaw up off the floor at what I confessed to think about a party.
It took a heck of a lot for me to pull myself to church and walk through those doors. So many were unaware that I knew what they had said to others about me. The same people that couldn’t wait for their kids to get into the elementary kid’s group under me and the ex’s teaching were the same one’s bad mouthing us when we left about “lacked evidence of fruit in their lives”. God’s people, passing judgement and GOSSIPING about someone not there, never imagining I’d hear it or return ‘home’. But I did, and with everything in me I went back. Then struggles began again. I managed to not stroll down that road again, but let me tell you it was hard not too. The people on that road embrace you, support you and do all they can to make you feel welcome there. I knew that at least I’d have acceptance. But still, I stayed off that path.
During many struggles to try to keep going, I had posted the lyrics to a few songs by P!nk. I LOVE the songs because they speak to me. Heck no, I don’t believe she is a christian. Then again, I cannot judge her by her music. It speaks to me because it tells of where she has been herself, which in SOME areas seems to be similar. I know the songs have foul language in them, but when you are trying to convey how bad something is/was sometimes that language makes the point, impacts the reader or listener like it can’t without it.
In my head I know that I’m forgiven, I know that I’m not seen by God on my own, but through my Savior’s blood which delivers me white as snow. But I also know what I did, it makes it hard to believe I could be forgiven, loved or that I am at all loveable. I am not discounting what was done for me on the cross, but it is at times very hard for me to accept. Then when sisters and brothers in the Lord start heaving stones my way, accusing me of promoting a singer or songs that are not “christian”, it only furthers my belief that I am not loveable, that I’ve crossed too many lines. That doesn’t make me want to go to church, it makes me want to run from the judging souls there. They get all hung up on the language and the artist rather than LISTEN to the words, FEEL what is being sung, understand that I’ve been there, done that and the song carries meaning for me because of my life experiences. I wasn’t promoting the artist, just sharing that I related to the songs.
The song F*cking Perfect….yep that is ME. Many a wrong turns in my life, and I had to fight my way out of the mistakes. Bad decisions, yep did those. The song Sober, I just know what it is like to want to vanish behind alcohol to hide from the pain. Alcoholic? No, have never needed it, craved it etc. But I wasn’t stupid, life just felt better tanked than not so much. And in the video, when P!nk is making out and wrestling with herself, I didn’t see that as a sexual thing. It is just that, she is wrestling with HERSELF, between self love and doing what is right etc. Again, I get it, I relate to that struggle.
To those that have never made the crappy choices and wrong turns in life, more power to you. Be thankful, you do not know what it is like to go there and try to come back from it all. But when someone is clawing their way back onto the path, please, don’t throw stones, judge or otherwise question their actions etc. Instead of stomping on their fingers, reach down and give them a hand up. You haven’t walked a mile or even a block in my shoes, you really have NO idea what you are talking about.
And now, here are those videos. Maybe put your shock and judgmental attitude away and watch and listen, you might gain some insight into who I am, where I have been, and understand after that how hard it is for someone like me to walk back in among those who haven’t been there.