All kidding aside, this is a small look into the real me, from the inside pages of who I am. It is hard to truly judge a book by it’s cover, but so many people do. Enjoy the opportunity while it lasts. While the jacket of the book of Marvelous is colorful and can attract the reader, it is the pages within that few get to see. Some chapters aren’t for sharing with everyone, but I’m in the mood to reveal some sketchy details from inside the cover, the Forward,of the book of me.
I was born under the sign of the bull, Taurus. Being a bible believing Christian I don’t put much stock in horoscopes, but I do believe that in assigning personality traits, God did so by way of the zodiac. The bible doesn’t say the stars aren’t true, we are warned not to put our faith in the reading of them. That is likely because God is not bound by anything, least of all that which He created. If you want to understand me more fully, it doesn’t hurt to know what a Taurus is like. Our characteristics can play to the good or the bad side of us. I try hard to direct mine toward good. I am loyal as it gets, I won’t cheat on anyone. I’m stubborn and will stand my ground. I have a temper and if provoked will snort, stomp and charge at things, then it dissipates quickly and I’m back to the calm me. Bulls are strong, I am a strong personality. I can walk all over someone that is not, so my mate in life has to have a very strong personality too. Waving a red flag in front of me will not tame my wild side, but TLC and affection never fails. The negative side of the personality of a Taurus only rears it’s head if incited.
Having a quiet and gentle spirit is an ongoing, work in progress for me. Being a child of God that is my goal. I’m the daughter of the King after all. However you can think of me as the ‘trouble’ child, one of the black sheep in the Royal family. While I have a submissive spirit toward my mate, it isn’t always quietly walked out. I will balk and make sure you know exactly where I stand, over and over again, but I won’t go against my spouse once a decision has been made. I am just vocal about it.
Speaking of vocal…I’m not a quiet person. I laugh loud, talk kinda loud at times, and I cannot help it. Some is just who I am, some is the fact that my hearing isn’t so good so I really do not always notice that my voice is louder than it needs to be. If you are seeking someone that can be heard when screaming for our favorite football team, I’m your girl. If you were looking for someone meek and mild, soft spoken? Keep looking or stuff some cotton in your ears. I am also quick to give my opinion, even when it wasn’t solicited. I am slowly learning to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut. In certain situations I will do just that simply because I’ve learned that when I don’t have a dog in a particular fight, sometimes it is best. However if it is in regards to a family member or someone I’m close too, all bets are off, I will speak my mind. I might wait, as I am doing, for example, until my brother’s divorce is final. But once the ink has dried, well I have a lot to say and share that might just come as a real shock to folks, especially those hoodwinked into believing the lies of the poor, single mommy…but that is another post yet to come.
That brings me to lies. I cannot stand lies or people that lie. Truth is always best. I know that brutal honesty can be painful at times, but I’d far rather have it then a lie. Once the pain of a situation has passed, and it always does, I need to be able to trust you, and hold onto your honesty. Knowing that the people around me are always truthful is more important than my feelings being hurt. I won’t lie. But you have to ask the right question to get the answer sometimes. I will only give you the answer to the question asked. A good example: I had things being sent from all over the country to a friend before his 40th birthday, for 40 days. He asked me if I had mailed him these things. I honestly said no. I hadn’t mailed them. Others were mailing them for me. 🙂
I’m insecure at times and need frequent reassurance that I am loved. A simple hug that is long and strong and those 3 little words will cover it. Time spent with me, just me, does that as well. I don’t need fancy or expensive gifts as tokens. I need my lover, in front of me, spending time with me, talking to me, touching me. Simple things that carry meaning and significance mean far more than pricy items. But I need to know your heart is mine, daily.
I am into simple things when it comes to making me happy. Things that make me smile: baby feet, kittens, the sound of my mate’s breathing (even snoring) next to me, hugs, unexpected hugs or kisses, my hand in my mate’s, notes stuck in unexpected places, my favorite candy, scented candles, the sound of my cat purring in my ear, a fresh cup of coffee, a cold beer, a text that says I love you, time with someone. The smells of each season, like wood burning in a fire place, the salty air by the ocean, flowers in the spring, fresh cut grass…the beauty of a sunset or sunrise, the sounds of the birds waking before the sun is up, the crickets at night time.
I have my share of fears, and they are very real to me. Fire scares me to death, has since I was a child, so don’t be surprised if I won’t sleep in rooms that have windows too high for reasonable escapes, and that I will know exactly where every exit is when I am out eating. Height terrifies me too, so I avoid high places. I am very claustrophobic so small, tight places freak me out. Falling is another, so I won’t go where I don’t feel secure from the risk of falling. I am afraid of the dark and sleep with a night light. Storms are not a good thing, the more severe the more likely you may find me cowering in the corner of the basement. Don’t ever make light of these fears, for me they are very real.
I like animals and will always have a pet of some kind, either a cat or a dog. I’m a reformed cat hater. A kitten stole my heart and I love her to pieces. Love me, love my cat. We are a package deal. Don’t look toward the day she is gone, I will have more. Cats need each other so there will be more than one, females. I love dogs, lap dogs actually. Cats shed, their one downfall in my book. I love toy breed dogs because they don’t shed. Specifically Yorkies and Maltese. Westies are cute too just bigger than I prefer. But to share my life you have to tolerate my pets, because no one is telling me I cannot have them.
Cleaning is something I see as a necessary evil in life. I cannot stand clutter and things left where they do not belong. I refer you to my post about where it all goes down when I write. The photos of my room are as you will find it on any given day at any given moment. I like things clean and in order. But I’m a touch OCD about it so I won’t hang out in a room that isn’t in order, messes with my comfort zone. I hate cleaning the bathroom but will if I have too.
Cooking…I hate it. Never liked cooking. I’m a disaster in the kitchen and it is only partially joking when I say I’m not permitted to have sharp objects or use the stove without supervision. When I tweet or put up on my status for the local fire department to be on standby I’m only half kidding. I CAN cook, but I really do not find any pleasure in doing so, hence I avoid it. I know my way around the kitchen but the sooner I am out of there the happier I am.
I enjoy my laptop. It allows me to do things I enjoy. I like Facebook and Twitter, I enjoy playing Farkle and Bingo Blitz. I love to write, for me it is therapy. Sometimes I enjoy reading the news, or other blogs. Don’t belittle me for enjoying the time on the computer. You have your things you like, I have mine. I won’t knock anyone for the things they derive relaxation from, to each his/her own. But just because yours involves physical exertion and mine the computer, doesn’t make me lazy. Don’t piss me off you will find yourself in my blog, and possibly my novel.
I am forgiving to a fault. Usually that fault is I get stepped on over and over, or continue to yank the knives out of my back because I forgave and tried to mend the fence. The shell is hardening and while I might be quick to forgive for my own sake, I’m not inclined to forget as easily and things between me and that person that I feel hurt me may never be quite the same again.
Yes I carry baggage from my past. So do you, so does everyone. If not for the baggage I’d be an empty shell. Our past makes us into our present. Every lousy, painful thing as well as every wonderful, happy thing make us into the people we are today. At the core there is the foundation of who we are and that won’t change. But we are always changing and growing as a person. The basics will always be the same, but I will change as life happens. And rather than shun that baggage I carry behind me, open it up and inspect it closely, it will give you much insight.
I have a past, parts are pretty boring and might cure your insomnia, other parts are pretty colorful and not for family viewing. But it’s all before you, so don’t judge or condemn who I was before you walked into my life. Again this is part of who I am and rather than knock it, learn from it about who I am now, not what I was before. I have to learn most of life’s lessons the hard way, through my own experiences and bad choices, it is just who I am.
PMS happens. While I have had a hysterectomy I still have PMS. If I say I don’t want to talk about it, or seem irritable, just hug me. Even if I stiffen up at first, hug me. I will melt soon enough. If I say I just want to be left alone and you find me on the bed, in the dark…lay down and wrap around me and just hold me. Don’t analyze it, just hold me. You won’t figure it out. I live it when it hits and I cannot figure it out. Medical science cannot put a dent in it either so they just issue good meds and hope we don’t act on homicidal tendencies during those days.
I grew up with guns in the house, and there are guns in my house now. I may not be the best shot in the hood, but I’m patient enough to wait for you to get in range. And then I will fill you with all the lead I have. “Ma’am why did you shoot the intruder 36 times?”, “well, officer, that is all the rounds I had or I’d have shot the S.O.B. some more”. You get the picture. The other Divas are armed too. It’s how we roll. We’re not badasses, we simply refuse to be anyone’s victim. Not to mention that it is OUR stuff, so back the hell out and go screw with someone else.
I don’t cry very easily, but if you hurt my feelings enough, I will. You are unlikely to know it as I tend to do my crying alone at night. I’ve been called a baby for crying before so I hide it now. I’m not a baby but not willing to let you see the hurt.
Tattoos may be ‘trashy’ to you, and I respect your right to think that way. To me, they are forever art that I carry with me. Each has significance. There are 3 now, but there will be more and no one gets to tell me I cannot have them. It is your opinion that I am ‘littering’ my body. If you feel that way that is just fine, and if my having tattoos means you cannot find me sexy and attractive, then kindly move out of the way as there is someone waiting for you to be gone so they can take your place, who finds me to be what they are seeking, ink or no ink.
When I make changes to myself or my environment, it is rarely subtle. Furniture is moved around frequently until I find the balance that works for me. I went from waist length, curly, BIG 80’s hair to very short, as it is now, in one sitting. I thought about that a long time but when I decided to go for it, it was done and drastic. I don’t make a change without a lot of thought. So if I suddenly get a wild hair to make a big change, like dying my hair from it’s natural blond to a black cherry or cherry cola color, it only SEEMS like an impulsive move. Trust me I have been contemplating it very thoroughly for some time. Same with the tattoos, I will think it through extensively before I get one.
I don’t collect specific things, like Precious Moments figurines, but I have a collection of odd things. Each for a reason. If you look closely at the photo of my room, you will see some of those things. I nest. I need a place that is mine to nest in. A room, an office, a particular corner, wherever it may be I need a nest as a haven where I work, think etc. If folks don’t care for it they can close the door and walk away, but I need MY space.
In some ways I am very public and open. I use social media, like Facebook, Twitter, blogging and Foursquare. I am really not at all concerned that the boogie man is stalking me through these avenues. If you are a private soul you may wish to think things through if you plan to be part of my life on any level. I check in and tag those around me. It’s just what I do. I will use nicknames if you are in my life for any length of time, either one you already have or I assign them as I see fit. If I give you a nickname and mention you in my blog, you are significant for some reason. Don’t get too excited, doesn’t mean love just means you played a role on the stage of my life beyond the extras wandering about in the background. It is love when you land on my “supporting cast” page. Only the stars in my production make it that far.
My roots are right here, I will not move away. My family, friends, my entire support network is right here around me. I won’t move away from them. I have been all over this great country, and this is HOME. I won’t move unless they are all moving with me. Even then I love this area, the change of seasons, and don’t want to move away from it. I bitch about the snow and cold, which frankly is hard to deal with having arthritis, but I still won’t move away.
I have arthritis in my hands, neck, back and feet. I don’t whine about it, I don’t even talk about it unless it is really hurting bad. My tolerance for pain and my ability to just ignore it is impressive, so if I am saying something about it you can bet that means it is pretty intense. I also have Ulcerative Colitis. It stays in remission for very long stretches of time, as in years. Those are my health issues. Nothing major just somewhat irritating at times.
My faith is important to me. I read my bible, I pray, and I have, currently, a somewhat rocky relationship with church. I don’t wish to debate this with you, any part of it. The only reason people want to get into a debate about it is it makes them uncomfortable. Either it makes them feel guilty, or they feel threatened by it, whatever. I am not going to change what my heart knows to be true, and I’m not going to get into an argument with you because you feel the need to try to prove me wrong. It is part of who I am, just accept it or find a new friend.
I get jealous easily, and insecure, especially if I am not feeling the love in a relationship. I am possessive over what is mine and I’m not sharing. Insecurity happens because a person isn’t getting their needs met. Mine are simple…I need daily doses of ‘love on Marti’ through a variety of means..notes, words, touches, hugs. If my love bank is full, I am not insecure. But if that bank is running low on recent deposits, then I’m going to get pissy with my mate that has all the time in the world for the guys, flirting with the cashier or nurses in the ER. I need time, and the flirts are MINE. I don’t flirt with others because that is trying to draw attention and the only person I want attention from is my mate. If my mate needs attention from anyone but me, there is a problem. If all my attention isn’t enough, then speak up so changes can be made. If it isn’t my attention you need, hit the door and don’t come back.
Okay, enough peeking inside.
That isn’t even the cliff notes of who I am, but this is one book that is not for the reader who is faint of heart.
Complex, quirky and marvelous. And so many blank pages yet to fill.