I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011 covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.
This box is far more important to me, therefore it’s a larger one. And when you dump 52 items in there it needs space. Well okay even more than 52, but hey the number matters little.
Well excuses NOT to go to church. I have a million of them, the primary one of late being that Sundays are usually my day with Steve and since our time together is only once a week due to his job, I basically blow off church to be with him as early as possible on Sunday. I know, not good. How can I expect that relationship to work if I’m not where I should be spiritually? Not to mention I know he reads his Bible, and would very likely attend church with me.
Another reason, and a big one for the church I dearly love, is frankly I am sick of being judged. Not by most of the people there, but some. But that is for another post, maybe tomorrow.
Oh I am a believer, no question. I love God’s word, no question. But I was letting my human heart guide me. So what if I am judged? The only One that knows my heart is the only one that matters. I NEED that weekly shot in the arm, the food of God’s word I can get on my own but I need His people and the accountability.
Going back to my former church was very difficult, mostly because I knew so many people were aware of where my feet had walked, the things I had done, and that in the midst of it all my marriage had failed. It was hard to go back there, where I had been with hubby and kids, now as a single woman. And yet I still managed to suck it up and go back again. But I was on fragile ground and when I was judged I let myself walk away.
In the back of my mind I can hear the voice of my friend, and spiritual mentor, and I know that this is a heart issue that I have. So, again I am going to go back, no excuses. All excuses are going into the box, box #8, and being put on the shelf. I’m also going to ask to meet with someone for some counseling on a spiritual level, as I really need to stop running away.
It’s all part of the real me emerging, from under the cover of the mask I wore for so long. The one that let the world believe for a while that I was happy in that dark pit next to the path. I was not happy. I am now. But I’m still not where I need to be.
And Jesse S., if you are reading this, pray for me, my young, encouraging friend. Tell your mom to keep a spot for me. I’ve not abandoned my faith, my spirit and my flesh have been wrestling and I need all the Divine push I can get.