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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe
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I LOVE that particular quote, it is very much how I feel. I am selfish, my life is all about me and the world I move in revolves around me. I am definitely impatient, when I want something I want it NOW. And insecure? Sure, I think everyone is insecure. While I am very comfortable in my own skin and with who I am, there are days I lack confidence in my own abilities. Mistakes – oh boy do I make some doozies, left to my own devices I can chalk up some gold medal winners single handedly. Out of control is another given, I have a temper and I have been known to throw a class ‘A’ temper tantrum though I have ceased the really bad ones (thanks Lexapro). I still get kinda out of control when having fun and rarely stop to think or care what anyone else thinks of me in a given situation, I act for me and me alone. SO those things make me a bit hard to handle for some (like Lord Voldemort/ex-husband).
At my best I am a very loving person. I am very loyal to those that I love and often forgiving of their short comings to a fault. I never trash my man to anyone and therefore often had trouble relating to other wives during ‘hen club’ sessions. I never spoke negatively about my hubby, though believe me he has his share of faults, some glaring. I am very protective of those I love. I am simple and easy to please, very affectionate and I enjoy intimacy (yes I LOVE sex – there I said it). I’ve blogged in the past about why I think I’m over all a pretty cool chick to know.
BUT if you want all the good that I am, and believe me there is a lot of good in this perfectly imperfect woman, then you have to be willing to accept the bad along with it. I no longer make any apologies for who and what I am, what you see is what you get and if you don’t like it fine, move along because you are holding up the line for those that want the total package.
I recently posted a blog about searching for friends with benefits, Qualifications For A Frog Prince With Benefits and stated that applications were being accepted. Well that application process has now been closed, I am no longer accepting applications for this position. The response was flattering, to say the very least, lots of interesting pigs men wanted to be considered (don’t take offense, remember, the ex is the one that told me all men are pigs, before he showed me he is their king). I’ve seen quite a number of these swine gents and given a few a serious test drive. I really cannot say I found fault in any of those as far as the benefits side of things is concerned. Ya’ll are rocking oinkers! However, for now the position has been nicely filled.
Amongst the number of hogs and wild boars many fine fellas that I’ve met, one from the past emerged. He was an online friend, and a few times in person hug and hello. He was unaware of any application process currently taking place, I more or less sought him out. I was on my way to the office one Saturday and spotted a guy on a motorcycle that reminded me of this one. I had kept his number over the years, though I’ll be damned if I know why, just a ‘feeling’ I should not erase that one when I did my periodic clean up of my phone contacts. I first did what every cyber crack addict does, and got online and tried to find him on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and through old email addresses. When that didn’t work I decided to just call him. My hesitation in this was I didn’t know if he was currently involved with anyone and I did not wish to create any drama in his life. However it was my last remaining option so I called and left a message on his voice mail. Within minutes he phoned me back, launching us into an interview process ‘get to know you’ cycle with Mr. Hot 50+ (now known as Mr. Twisted Steel And Sex Appeal – which he TOTALLY is!).
I’ve been privileged to be the fender fluff on his bike a few times of late, and recently the passenger in his really sweet and sexy Corvette. We’ve exchanged emails, many phone calls, and spent time together both for and without the benefits. He is all twisted steel and sex appeal, nice hard muscles, wrestles, musician, and scores tops on the benefits charts. He expressed that he had no interest in the ‘lifestyle’ I participate in, as he is not one that likes to “share”, but he would never ask me to stop doing something I enjoy, and he didn’t feel he has the right too, he simply did not care to know anything about what I did apart from him. I admit, when I thought about somethings he said, I am not all that keen on sharing him at this point either. For now I want to get to know him, spend time with him, and enjoy this friendship cupcake that is so generously iced. No, not in a commitment sort of arrangement, this friendship is far from that if it ever ends up there. We’ve both been burned badly by the fires of emotions and both overly cautious about entering that inferno again. I’d say the best way to put it is we’re both only interested in one dessert selection off of the cart for the moment. So for now, just really not interested in gluttony when it comes to the FWB (one great one is more than enough), I’m going to enjoy this special friendship and the fringes that go with it. I’ll still enjoy my guy friends just not the physical side of those friendships.
So, for now, the “toad” I kissed recently turned out to be a gentleman in disguise and I think I will just hang out here in this pond for a while. Life is short and I’m not passing up a good thing. If we get bored with each other, I’ll hop off this lily pad and open up the application process again.