I am the star of my own reality show. Recently having moved out of Prince Charming’s Castle and into the Princess Palace, I’ve sworn off Happily Ever After. Frankly I don’t even believe in that fairy tale ending anymore. If you’ve followed my blog posts at all you know my happy ending vanished in a “puff of smoke” and left me believing that knights in shining armor don’t really exist, and that pretty much all of those guys are losers in aluminum foil. At first they look good sitting astride that big, white stallion, but before long you find out it is rocking horse and he has all the charm of a pot belly pig. Well maybe not even that much, as some little piggies are kinda cute and endearing. Don’t let that discourage the Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella chicks out there, maybe the story will end differently for you.
Now, I’ve realized that a frog is not going to turn into prince when I kiss him. In fact most men in this world are just glorified toads. You kiss them, they may appear to turn into a blue blood, but really all they are is a wart covered royal heart break in the end, before they return to their lily pads to try and sucker the next princess that comes along (if they haven’t been attempting to ‘ribbet’ in her ear already).
Enter the Frog Prince With Benefits. Not to be confused with a Friend With Benefits (FWB), as the FWB is nothing more than a cuddle bud/booty call/f*ck friend. The FPWB needs to arrive at the draw bridge with way more than his disco stick, he needs to act like a Prince and treat me like the Princess I am if he wants the treasure – the benefits, WITHOUT the emotional or commitment attachment/exclusive arrangement. FPWB is more of a companion, someone to go out with, do things with, and then be your partner for the sheet mambo. I have had a few FWBs (and then there is the always dependable B.O.B. – my Battery Operated Boyfriend), so now I am seeking the FPWB types, and in order to make it into that select club there are qualifications. The more you possess, the more likely you will make the A-list and the higher up on the preference scale you will rate.
QUALIFICATIONS FOR FROG PRINCE WITH BENEFITS
- Transportation: Having a car is a must for a FPWB – a Princess doesn’t use public transportation. She also does not ‘pick up’ the Prince, that is his job. The Princess is supposed to grace the passenger seat of the carriage of the Prince with her beauty.
- Motorcycle: Should the FPWB also happen to own a motorcycle, he gains instant bonus points, as the Princess loves the position of fender fluff behind her Prince, wrapped around him.
- Fashion sense: is a must! Men in midriff tops is NEVER acceptable! Know what to wear and when to wear it! If you are in danger of friends/family calling in Stacy and Clayton from TLC’s What Not To Wear, don’t bother applying.
- Football Fan: You must be a football fan, as the Princess loves football! Bengals fans get highest marks, Colts behind them. Ravens and Browns fans will be judged on a case by case basis, Steelers fans need not bother applying, it is grounds for REJECTION OF APPLICATION on the spot!
- Hygiene: Learn about it! Brush your teeth, shower and use soap and water, trim the tree and shave the jewels, and for the love of St. Peter if you can clearly shave numbers in your back hair, get a waxing! (hairy chests on the other hand are MORE than acceptable!
- Playful: A guy in touch with his inner child, that can have FUN with a little water fight with the hose, snowball fights, some friendly wrestling over the TV remote (you must, of course, throw the match as Princess must always win). Princess is playful and possesses a sense of humor. If you lack these qualities, hop over to someone else’s pond please or contact your Fairy Godmother for assistance.
- FOOD SENSE: Chips and dip does not qualify as tailgate or picnic food. Princess likes both of those activities and expects you will have enough brains to know what to bring or how to use Google if not! Her first and favorite test is a picnic in the park of her choosing to get to know you, what you pack for her to enjoy will tell her a lot about you! (this includes accessories needed for said adventure)
- Time Management: Princess is a very busy lady, her schedule books in advance. While you may get lucky with last minute arrangements, it is best to book her time well ahead of the event. Oh, and she frowns on cancellations and no shows, so don’t do it unless you want off the A-List.
- Cyber Savvy Flirt: The Princess likes a man who knows how to get her attention with a text or an email now and then, after all, she believes the world revolves around her. Oh wait, in HER universe it does, get used to it.
- NO Limp Shrimp!: Princess enjoys sex. In fact that is the benefit side of this arrangement. She couldn’t care less if you get your trout stout with or without a little blue pill, just make sure your one eyed dragon is alive and in the game when she is ready.
Applications now being accepted for Frog Prince With Benefits!!
***Disclaimer: the above was all in fun…though if you meet any of these qualifications your odds of getting my attention are greatly improved!***